On My Own
by Christine Mae
Summary: I recently posted Chapter 20 of My Name is Vincent Ryan Keller. It was Vincent's perspective from episode 10: Seeing Red. I think it was a big moment for Catherine too. I can't help it and so I thought of writing Catherine's perspective.
1. Episode 10: Seeing Red 1of 2

**I recently posted Chapter 20 of My Name is Vincent Ryan Keller. It was Vincent's perspective from episode 10: Seeing Red. I think it was a big moment for Catherine too. I can't help it and so I thought of writing Catherine's perspective. A one shot.**

* * *

He was engage or he still is.

Is New York that small? Why did it have to be her? I'm talking about Vincent's fiancée who was my attending nurse. Her name is Alex Salter. How did she know a tall doctor with a scar on his face visited me? Did she saw Vincent earlier? Could any nurse tell another nurse about the visitors of their patients and how they look like? That doesn't sound right. I don't sound right, either. Am I jealous?

And this Vincent Keller… Didn't he understand my text? I told him it was not safe to come back to the hospital! I didn't want Alex to see him again. It was for his own protection. From his enemies and now from... her.

I shouldn't have asked about Alex but if you only saw her face when she approached me. She was totally devastated. Even after ten years, she was not over him yet. She was shaking in tears while telling me about the doctor she saw was suppose to be dead and with the same name with the person I love. Vincent Keller.

* * *

I am a detective. So a search about Alex was expected for me to do. I did not like the idea of her showing up but after checking her records (thanks to Tess for insisting to use the NYPD database). There were reports of someone following her, hacked her emails, wiretapping, breaking and entering… I somehow thought of her safety. She took good care of me and I owe her that.

I needed to tell Vincent but you know what… scratch that. I didn't need to because he was not at home with JT. He was with Alex. But I remembered when he sneaked me earlier to a room and told me about her, as if it was nothing. Like it was no big deal that Alex saw him. I mean he even said "**_She saw a ghost." _**Then he was with her? I don't get it.

Okay. My purpose was to make sure that Alex was okay and safe. Don't ask why because I didn't know either. Maybe because she had a past with Vincent? Or maybe the fact that she was or is Vincent's fiancée or maybe I wanted to know about her? Uh… Is this the effect of too much dosage of medicines?

She had a stalker indeed. I saw him with my own eyes. He grabbed her on the alley. Good thing I had the gun with me and fired a shot. The asshole ran away.

I had a fractured rib cage and needed to rest but look what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm trying to prove but… Oh no. I am digging my own grave.

Vincent did see her. He even told Alex about me. And guess what I am to him? A handler. And oh, she calls her "Vince."

It was a double jeopardy. She allowed me to check in her closet that might help find any trace of her stalker. And look what I found. A box of letters and photos of them. Okay. I am not sure if it was right. It was just… I was already there. I needed to know and I did. It was painful looking at them very happy and in love. A planned wedding was on the way as soon as he came back from Afghanistan. Vincent loved Alex. He loves her.

I don't like Vincent Keller now but when I found this photo… I smiled. He was on a beach and he has the most beautiful smile. I took it. A souvenir maybe?

I remembered my new nickname. Handler. Really. I wanted to punch Vincent on the face.

And there I was on the precinct asking Evan to help me find Alex's stalker while I left Vincent in her apartment. Just the two of them. Together.

* * *

Alex had a great plan on how to catch her stalker. Since he had access to her email, she created a fake one about her going away with the person she loves. That way that will draw the perp out until we get him. It was really awkward for the three of us together. Every time she says the word "in love" or "the guy I love", she looks at Vincent and then he looks at me. I wanted to punch him so hard on the face.

The plan didn't really turn out well. Vincent killed him. Another incident I had to cover up. I am the hero. And Vincent was her hero. He saved her and when I saw them kissed… my whole world just crashed. He still loves her.

I protected Alex because I thought it was the right thing do. Because that was what Vincent wanted to do.

Things between Vincent and I were doing great. I mean we were on the right track. That's what I thought until Alex showed up. We might have not talk about what we have but we were getting there. There means… Us. Together. Vincent and Catherine.

Maybe this was just a test to help us understand what we really feel. I love Vincent. I do and I hoped he feels that. I was also at fault because I was scared of moving forward with him. I just thought or I know there will be changes with Alex showing up and I didn't want to be an option.

And when Vincent looked down just after I asked him to look me in the eye and tell me if he no longer has feelings for her… I got the picture.

* * *

**Thank you for the time. Goodnight! :)))**


	2. Episode 10: Seeing Red 2 of 2

What happened to me?

What did Vincent do to me to make me feel… hurt… bad? Why am I affected with Alex Salter showing up in the picture? Am I threatened? Hmm… maybe. This is not me. I don't spend sleepless nights crying over some guy and the fact that it was not even clear to us what we really are. Vincent is not the first guy whom I fell in love with. Wait… Did I just say I fell in love with him? Uh… I feel like an idiot.

You see, with my previous relationships, I keep my distance as soon as I find something is not right. I know when and where to stop. But with Vincent… I don't know. I even "went down memory lane" or "blast from the past" and now that I knew how important and special Alex to him… I think I was misreading us. There is no Vincent and Catherine. Not even Vincent Zalanski.

Now that I mentioned Mr. Zalanski… I thought of the wedding. It could have been fun, you know, if he stayed. It could have been more than just one dance. I could have introduce him to people at the party. There would be no car crash. I wouldn't have ended up in New York General. And lastly, Vincent could not have crossed paths with Alex.

Maybe I am bothered with this whole new world because… it's like for me… we are just taking off or about to jump in or to move forward with what we had started. Knowing his background, I know it would not be a smooth sail for us. But I am willing to try. I have risked a lot for him, anyway. My job, my life, my family and friends. What else can I do to keep him mine?

* * *

I hate him. Well, no. Hate is not good. Okay. I disliked him and I really wanted to punch him on the face. I know he is confused and distracted but can he tell who is more important between Alex and me? I don't want him to choose really. I don't like that idea. But at least can he tell me his plans? Alex may be the love of his life but I am the one who was there on his darkest moments.

I never had been selfish all my life. My parents did not teach me that. I don't know how to act with our situation because I don't know what we are, where I stand. We never had directions. I don't want to demand because I don't know what right I have.

Shall I give him more time? How long? It had been a week and I am sure he spent those times with Alex. One week of no Vincent felt like a month, a year. I missed our conversations and laughter on the fire escape. I missed seeing his shadow when he sits on my window sill. I missed when he taps my window to let me know he is here.

What am I going to do? Shall I wait? Until when?

Please give me a reason to stay, Vincent.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! :)))**


	3. Episode 11: On Thin Ice 1 of 2

I thought he would never come back.

Oh! What a surprise. It had been what, almost two weeks since the last time he was here at my apartment. Forgive me for being sarcastic. I know Vincent is a good friend. He came by to check on me from my injury. How nice of him. Seriously. No sarcasm there. But hey, at least he did.

On the other hand, I wanted to slap him for being gone for almost two weeks. No calls. No text. Is he that overwhelmed that he totally forgotten about me? Just like that, huh. I never called him or JT. What for? I knew he would be with Alex. I didn't want to bother them with whatever they were doing.

Do I deserve his explanation from being gone? Nah. I should have expected it. I mean, he found a way to be with the love of his life again. So he makes the most out of it. And she was not just some girl from the past. She was his fiancee. They planned a life together for years. To be specific, six years and an entire childhood. Beat that!

And why does he keep on insisting on "you and me" or "us" when there is no such thing as that. He can't even tell me what he is planning on to do with Alex. Are they going to start a new life? He should tell me so I know where I stand! He just can't show up here anytime. I mean, now that he has Alex back.

We don't know what we are. He had not told me anything. Do I need to tell him what I think we are? So, anything about him and Alex… it's none of my business.

I kept my temper in control for the last two weeks but today I'm irritated and annoyed. I tried to understand the place he is into. Yes, I am scared of losing him. He has a record of making bad decisions. I am afraid he will make another one out of this.

Bad mood alert. I better go see the shrink assigned to me. He/she might help me feel better and calm me down.

* * *

I don't wanna be a bitch. Who would want to? It's not my character. But according to my shrink, sometimes in life we need to be as such to get what we need and it can be off to a good start. Maybe he was right. Maybe that's what I need to do. I can be a total bitch.

Okay. Okay. The session was to discussed the trauma I had been through during the shooting not my boyfriend issues. What? Boyfriend? I don't have one. I just thought the sooner I spill my heart out, the faster I can get out of here.

* * *

I am not spying on her. I followed up on something I saw. I knew he will take this the other way around. Of course, he defended her. Duh.

I ran into Alex and I saw her stealing medicines and supplies from the hospital. So I checked our database and there were a bunch of thefts being reported at their ward and eventually someone else will find out about it.

I was trying to protect Alex and… him. He can believe me or not. I am just giving him a heads up on what can happen. I mean, she doesn't know anything about him anymore. Alex had no idea how careful she has to be with his secret. Wow. I cannot even say his name.

* * *

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. This is just too much. Too much! How can he be so stupid?!

You know, I could have enjoyed the party with Tess. It was work but at least there are free drinks. Some margaritas can help me calm my nerves.

I should have not answered his call. But how could I not when a friend is in need.

Of course he cannot tell them his name. If he did, then what? They are going to look him up and as soon as they find out his name belongs to someone who was supposed to be dead, it would be a bigger problem. And don't forget, Muirfield will be alerted and who knows they will take him and kill him for real. And what will Alex do? Nothing! Because she have no idea what is going on!

But I do and I have to lie to a police officer to cover them up. Yes, I saved his ass. I was there to the rescue. Can't he see it? Because of Alex not knowing anything about who he is now, they made stupid things that JT and I have to protect them from. Breaking in to an ice rink to have their moment? How stupid is that?!

Am I overreacting?

No, I am trying to protect him just like from the beginning. I don't know what plans Alex had promised him that made him act like a teenager but he has to stop and figure out what he wants. If he wanted his old life back with her, fine. Go ahead. Tell me. In that way, I can reconsider the risk that I had taken to protect him.

* * *

If only I could shoot him.

I would like to shoot Vincent. Really. Maybe on the leg part. He has a crazy DNA, anyway. I'm sure he will heal fast.

I went to the firing range. I tried to imagine I was shooting Vincent.

My night was already damaged by some handsome mutating beast and now a handsome shrink had to continue the destruction.

So what if I take comfort from my work to avoid my personal emotions? Is that wrong? I am committed to my job and I am good at it. What should I do better? Confined myself to my room for what three days? I need to work and so I work.

I am not suffering from PTSD from just one gun shot. A real definition of post-traumatic stress is watching the only person who cared about me leave my life with no valid reasons. Who doesn't appreciate the things I do to protect him. He preferred to be with someone who doesn't even know who he is now.

* * *

I could not believe I was that hysterical. Everything was just a mess. I have never been like this. I have kept my heart locked out for so long. Now that I have put this heart out, shit happens. Relationships are pain in the ass. Vincent is such an ass.

Maybe it was my fault, too. I have not told him exactly how I feel. That I love him. I just thought it was pretty obvious.

I had to take actions. Alex would never going to know him the way I do. Okay. I'll take my chances.

* * *

So this is what I got from being honest. I just embarrassed myself.

I followed the shrink's advice to tell Vincent exactly what I want.

I want to be with Vincent. But I guess it was too late.

He thinks he can be the normal Vincent Keller again. The doctor… the normal guy. I can't blame him. He waited for so long for this opportunity and he found that with Alex who was willing to give up her life to go with him. Away somewhere he can be free.

One thing though. Would she still be willing to give everything up if she knew the truth about who you really are? Will she accept you like I do? I hate to compare but I don't know about Alex.

All I know right now is… I gave up.

* * *

**That was hard to watch this episode again and write it but I did it. I hope. :)**

**Thank you always. 3**


	4. Episode 11: On Thin Ice 2 of 2

Giving up does not always mean you are weak. Sometimes it just means you are strong enough to let go.

Is that a quote or something? It sounds familiar. Wait… That is a line in one of Taylor Swift song. How did I think of that? I never listened to her songs.

That is true actually. I gave up because I think that was the right thing to do. How am I supposed to compete with six years and an entire childhood?

I am a detective. It was part of our training to not give up until we resolve a case. I trained and compete and have a purple belt in karate until 11th grade. I learned not to give up until you put your opponent down.

So, I really cannot say that I gave up because I am too weak for a competition or what not. That would be too shallow.

I let Vincent go because I wanted him to have a life. To have his life back with Alex where he believed he could be a doctor again. Don't get me wrong. I know how it feels to have something or someone taken away from you. He loved helping people. He loved Alex. And since he has the hope to have those two important things again, he grabbed it. So, I understand. It was or is painful but yes, I understand. So, let's not blame him. Okay, maybe, a little.

Besides, we never even admitted we like each other. For the past months that we hangout, I somehow felt I was important to him though. I mean, he had been there for me for the past ten years. Even just in the shadows. You would not do that if the person means nothing to you, right? And the things he had done for me… He saved my life several times which I am endlessly thankful for. The times when we were together, helping me with my cases. The ballerina, Iris' sisters, Tommy Holt and even saved Evan. It was just for nothing then?

If he wanted to be with Alex, why just now? He could have done that right after he came back from Afghanistan. Okay. He was scared that she may not understand or she may not accept him. What's the difference after ten years? Will she understand and accept Vincent this time after she knew the truth?

I told you it's complicated. Or maybe I am the only one who likes him and he does not since he chose Alex. He already made his decision. He wanted to be with Alex. So… okay.

Do I sound like I am defending him? Defending what he had done to me?

I just don't want to feel anger anymore especially hatred. I am hurt, really hurt. Badly hurt. But that is different from anger and hatred, right?

I never had done this before. I used to be the one who got away. I always was. But this time, I am the one who was left behind.

It had been a week since I embarrassed myself. Since I told him I want him to be mine. It had been a week since the last time I saw him. But no regrets. I took my chance. I let go. Let's move on.


	5. Episode 12: Cold Turkey 1 of 2

I gave them my helping hand because I am a good friend.

Honestly, I could have not cared about his DNA being found at Alex's apartment. I could have them both arrested. But I just couldn't. I am still a friend to them and to JT.

But I had not forgotten what I said. I gave up because believe it or not, it is the right thing to do.

Of course, I was trying or am trying to move on. I went out with my sister and Tess a couple of times. We had some margaritas and karaoke at our favorite bar. I even sang tonight. It was fun. I had a great time with wonderful people.

* * *

Okay. He told Alex everything except the most important one. He told her about the special ops and that people were after him but not about him. The other side of him.

How did I know? Well, his dear girlfriend dropped by my house to ask for my blessings for their cabin trip. How insensitive is that? Of course I said it was okay. What will she think of me if I said no? And please go straight to him next time.

* * *

I had an early jog the next day that might help clear my mind and ignore about their cabin trip but guess who showed up?

Really? Sorry and get my blessings?

I just told him that I wanted to be with him weeks ago and he would ask me if I am okay with this? Him and her at the cabin? Just the two of them? Stupid!

And even if I said no, I know what he will say next. It is about his future. Bla. Bla. Bla.

I don't care anymore alright?

* * *

Or maybe I still do.

Damn Muirfield is back. I asked JT to tell them to leave the cabin and go back to the city as soon as possible but the idea went back to me.

I was supposed to be moving on. I was trying to take the high road but I was routed to expressway exit 91 to tell the lovebirds myself. Dammit.

* * *

So, he finally had the answers.

I wanted him to find out what he really wants and make the right decisions on his own. I did not want to dictate him or tell him what to do. In that way, he has nothing to blame on me if it did not end well.

On the other hand, I used words of wisdom to help him with this situation. I hope it did help and took my words seriously. Even if I had to tell him that I wanted to be with him. I will never forget that embarrassing moment. But no regrets. I told him the truth.

Maybe we really had to go through tough and difficult situations just to make us understand and realize the right thing to do.

* * *

I do not want to put my finger on anybody or smack their faces with the things that I did for them. I just hope they did not hurt me this much.

Therefore, after everything that had happened especially tonight, I no longer had anything to do with Vincent Keller.

Cheers for a good and peaceful life!


	6. Episode 12: Cold Turkey 2 of 2

He might deserve it but I am not making things hard for him. I am just not ready to face him or talk to him. I could not even text or call him. I don't know what to say to him.

I had to lock my window and put my curtains down when I am home or not. I am not punishing him. I wanted him to know that he hurt me so much. I was tempted to open the window every time he knocks. But I had to be tough. I know he is on the fire escape every night waiting. Just like right now. I could feel him. But...

I am not mad at him. I am hurt. There is a huge difference between the two.

I know he is trying his best to make up for his mistakes. I just have to protect myself from being hurt again.

Just give me time. In three weeks maybe?


	7. Episode 13: Trust No One 1 of 2

Vincent Keller was not the only one who wanted a peaceful life. I do, too. That's what I'm trying to accomplish. Clean up the mess and shut the door.

As much as I wanted to forget everything between me and Vincent and everybody connected to him, I had to look after Alex. She was innocent. I mean, what she found out in the woods was just a fraction of the complexity of Vincent's current life. She knew what they did to him but might not understand.

So, I paid her a visit. I tried my best to explain the danger we were in that I had to take her credit cards and gave her cash instead. I had to give her a fake ID and had her move out of her apartment and check in to a hotel. I had to protect Alex and... him.

It still boiled down to him, huh? Pfft.

* * *

I know it had been a while. I was not avoiding him, okay? Well… a little. I was badly hurt. I needed time to heal and wanted to be alone and to think and digest all the things that had taken place. It felt like everything happened so fast. But I felt better now. See? Avoidance will always be my favorite technique.

Just like now. I am sitting on my window sill looking out the night city of New York. I loved the cool breeze brushing against my skin that somehow relieved the stress from work and some personal shit.

Yep. He is not with me. I had not felt his presence for a couple of days. I wondered why. Maybe he had given up on me. Yeah. I admit. I missed him. It had been what… a month? Oh, well. Maybe it is better this way. It is just difficult since he is already IN my life.

The city lights amused me. Funny but I noticed two yellow lights across my apartment and I thought of Vincent. I smiled. Maybe those were just refractions of lights. I took a deep breath and went inside but I looked back. I felt eyes looking at me. I brushed off the idea. Now, I am paranoid.

* * *

I woke up early today and I wondered why my window was open. Maybe I forgot to lock it last night. Right, I forgot. I no longer have visitors anyway so let's leave it that way.

He was here.

… and left me a note. Just like before. I know it is so high school but I actually find it cute. Hahaha. The most common notes he left me before were "fire escape" or "roof". This time it was the second one.

Shall I give in this time? I mean, we could be friends again, right? Friends.

My decision-making was interrupted when my sister suddenly barged into my room talking about her Valentine's Day plans. I could not even remember the last time I celebrated the occasion. Wait. My sister is single but she has V-day plans? Wow.

And as for me, I did not have any plans at all but to work and stay away from people who hurt me. I took the note from my pocket and stared at it for a while. I think we could be friends again.

* * *

I did not smile nor had any reactions when I saw him waiting for me on the rooftop. I know I said we could be friends again but the pain still dominated my heart.

I got an invitation for Valentine's Day.

Seriously? Dinner? V-day plans? I understand he was trying his best to patch things up but flashbacks of his moments with Alex still bothered me and cold treatment took control.

Sorry but I do not feel like celebrating the day.

* * *

This guy was really persistent to make peace with me.

What does he want me to do? Forgive and forget? Bury the hatchet? I do not hold any grudges but it is not that easy, you know.

And what's up with the flowers? Cut flowers to be specific. What do cut flowers mean with loving and trusting someone? He really sucks at this. I preferred white over red roses.

Again, sorry but I do not feel like celebrating the day with two dozen cut flowers of red roses.

* * *

I tried my best to protect Alex but which part did she not understand?

As much as I wanted to convince myself that what she did was to help Vincent but only to put them in danger. We have no idea how or who can put Muirfield down. Not even a reporter.

Alex tried to ask help from her reporter friend to maybe tell the world what they did to Vincent but he only ended up dead. See? How inhumane these people are? They will kill to cover up their mistakes.

And Alex was nowhere to be found. I could no longer contact the burner phone I gave her. I do not know which hotel she was in. Oh, man. When could I get out from this Alex arc?

* * *

I felt strange when I parked my car near the warehouse. Maybe because it had been a while since the last time I was here. Well, I was not visiting. I was doing my job.

Two things why I went to the warehouse; to tell Vincent what Alex did and to stop doing whatever he was trying to do to rekindle our friendship. Friendship? Okay, whatever we had. I have no time for that at the moment. I have to work. I have to find Alex. Alone or else Vincent would never have my trust back.

* * *

Vincent really sucks at this.

But he was constant today, huh? The gifts were thoughtful and I really appreciate it. But the chocolates… Tsk. Tsk. Tess was right. He does not know my favorites. That's not a good sign.

Dinner. Flowers. Chocolates. That would complete Valentine's Day, right? But a flash mob, balloons and hearts… Is there a better word for overwhelming?

* * *

**Thank you for the wonderful reviews. You know who you are. I almost quit from writing this. Thank you so much! 3 I hope you like this one, too. :)))**


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